I once was asked "What makes you whole?
Loving a friend or spilling your soul?"
I replied with quite a smile
"Neither friend cuz after a while
You realize that nothing you do
Lasts quite long enough to soothe
What burns in your heart or scars your mind
And you will see that in time
You'll go back to that dammed drug
To quell again that awful tug
Because no matter what is done
with each rising of the sun
You will see that it is back
It comes and comes that is a fact.
You lose all thought and all desire
It makes you such a perfect liar
When you find your little treat
It will be the one you keep
You'll push all others far aside
And keep that drug that calms your mind."

What is this invisible string that pulls at my soul. Why do I constantly find myself thinking of the dark as not only an enemy, but a brother? I cannot leave that which I fear behind because it is the only thing familiar to me. Why do I have to leave all I know and abandon all things real and sacred, to go on a blind leap of faith to something I can not prove? My religion and my common sense conflicts. I think too hard on things I do not understand, and I turn to music to leave my thoughts behind. Why do I constantly contradict myself in both thought and theory? One day I say one thing and the next day it has transformed itself into something completely different. Damn the hell and inferno that I have caught myself in. Why do I constantly pull away from all I believe and hope for to listen to the voices of a hopeless romantic that swirls within my head? I learn nothing through those that teach me. I learn everything through my own intuition and love of things I hate. Why am I like this? Why am I so impacted? What is it about human suffering and pain that is so horrible yet so sweet at the same time? I’M A SADIST AND A MASOCHIST WHO HATES EVERYTHING I LOVE. WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS WRONG WITH ME??

What keeps us bound to this earth
When our souls continually scream to leave?
We look up at the sky,
And wish that we could fly

Like those free birds.

We wish to be unbound, to leave our fears behind.
We want that freedom of choice
No one wants to be controlled
Yet our desires control our lives

Are they really free?

So many things are shown to us
Telling us what to love, and what to hate
Our choices are impacted by what we are fed
We can't get our own food

They are bound by their wings.

The very things that make us want to fly
Hold us down and keep us here
We make our own gravity
Because we fear to float away

They are doomed to the skies.

When we close our eyes we dream
Of things we cannot have
Until we ignore what is around us
It causes our depression

Doomed till they die

When we free ourselves through our own expression
We will live forevermore
We meddle with our art, hoping for the freedom
When all we seem to do is taint it more

Until all things die

There is no true freedom from our world
Our stress and minds dig our own graves
Because we made this gravity
And we cant break those physical laws

No things, not even birds, are truly free.

I walk along an empty road
White with snow a fallen
Somewhere in the branches high
I hear a lark a callin’

He twiddles on in happiness
As the world goes by
Until he flaps his wings and leaves
Take wing to places high

I watch that bird with sorrowed eyes
And silently wish him well
For not two paces back I spy
The place his brother fell

He lie stiff as if in stone
And lay upon his back
His eyes were cold as coal-hard stone
To me his gaze was at

I sighed my breath and took up prayer
That to no harm I would befall
And walked on slowly to the man
With a slight shallow call

“Hello friend you don’t seem well”
I said to the dead
“Your wings are mangled like you fell”
The snow was tinged in red

He said nothing only stared
And I poked him hard
“Wake up now before you freeze
Move you lump of lard”

He moved not and only stared
Those coal black eyes were hate
I turned around to leave him there
A poor dead soul of fate

“Wait” I heard and turned around.
There he lay quite still
The voice I heard came from my head
“Take with you such a kill”

“Take him home?” I asked surprised
And stared at the angel more
“Why would I take him home with me?
What could I use him for?”



I sighed and moved
As I was told
And drug that body
through the cold

“What say you now you stupid voice”
I sat back on my chair
The angel lay in front of me
But all he did was stare

He hadn’t moved his frozen corpse
On the whole way home
It made me think he weren’t alive
I should have left alone

When no answer I did hear
I stood upon my knees
The angel moved not an inch
So I did as I pleased

I removed his robe laden with snow
And cast it by the fire
His skin was soft and seemed to glow
His situation had been dire

Had this beauty remained in snow
He surely would have froze
So I found simply by
The condition of his clothes

His hair was stiff from being froze
His skin cold to the touch
His blood was getting everywhere
Tainting all it touched

“What are you beauty?”
I asked the dead, pulling back that hair
“Why don’t you move” I asked it now
All he did was stare

“Answer me!” I shouted now
“Why don’t you move at all?”
He didn’t answer yet again
He had quite some gall

I raised my fist to strike at him
And brought it down with anger
I hit ice, his skin broke
And so I killed the stranger

A tear fell from his coal-black eye
And he stared at me
“Why?” he said his voice so soft
“Why would you kill me?”

My eyes flashed open with fear inside
My mind was going to break
“You didn’t answer you ungrateful jerk.”
“It wasn’t yours to take”

“Damn you stop!” I yelled aloud
And hit again again
My blood soaked hands fell hard on him
Three now six now ten

Each time he died
Each time I sinned
I watched him fall from heaven again
And sadness from all his kin

“That is enough!”
That voice screamed out
I held my head
With an angry shout

“THE DEAD IS OVER
LET ME BE
I CANNOT BEAR
YOUR HYPOCRACY”

And so I turned
Dust to dust
And died that day
For all my lust.

So be warned my fateful friend
Your sins be rightful judged
A fallen angel left alone
Must never ever be nudged

As I lay down my head
Tired for the night
I think to myself
Where went the light?
I work all day
Till I drop at home
Wither myself
And work to the bone
How pointless it seems
Without any smiles
The last I had seen
Had been quite a while
Everyone’s so tired
Going on with their lives
Yet everyone greaves
When a loved one dies
But I envy those
Who have passed away
For they no longer live
In the sins of today
Why is life so hard?
Can you answer me that?
People stave to death
While others grow fat
And it angers me
How little people care
The world would be better
If we only shared
But I’m rambling on...
Bout a world non-existent
And I'll close my eyes
With naught for resistance
For this is my life
And the life of many more
I just wonder why
Life is such a chore...

Roses are Red
Violates are blue
This poem sucks
And so do you
You broke my heart
And left me dry
I wonder now
If I had died
How you’d act
And how you’d feel
Mad like me?
It cant be real
As I know
You are dead
only cuz
Of what you said
You beat me down
And made me cry
You said love
But t’was a lie
I see you now
For what you are
You horrid bitch
you’ve gone too far
I went along
With your head games
Until I thought
I was insane
But ill get you back
Rest assured
Ill beat you down
You fucking cur
One day we’ll meet
Even in hell
Its cuz of you
That I fell
And now you’re done
Your rep is shot
And for all I care
You can rot
Because Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
You made me burn
Now you will too.

Want my sickness?
My disease?
It makes me sick
Take it please

I'm heating up
Temperature high
I really think
I'm going to die.

Can't concentrate
On worldly things
This sickness haunts
Even my dreams.

Nervousness
Gives me the shakes
This isn't me
This isn't fake

I'll throw up
I know I will
Curling up
On the windowsill

My disease
Is in my mind
Nervous feelings
Force these lines

Closing my eyes
Shiver this cold
Shuddering breath
I'm trying to fold

In on myself
Please make it stop
Mother's warmth
Cant heal this spot

I’m crying now
tears have escaped
I feel so sick
Like I’ve been raped

It wont leave
Make it go
Uneasiness
Will still grow

One way out...
I’m desperate now
Relieve this pain
Its just too foul.

The metal shines
A heavy weight
A clinking noise
The shifting makes

Point to my head
That deep black hole
Pull the trigger,
Release my soul.

Demons pry
Convincing me
Pull the trigger
And you'll be free

Love the hatred
Love the pain
Watch it all
Rain, Rain, Rain
Love the secrets
love the lies
here is comes
Die, die, die
Love the sinful
Love the drugs
Once again
Buzz, buzz, buzz
Getting closer
to the fate
One more glass,
one more drink
Thinking clearly
right you say
In the car
home today
Blinking quickly
dodging here
squealing tires
start to veer
SMASH, SMASH, SMAH
roll and burn
tossed outside
cant discern
waking slowly
sirens wail
police are here?
time to bail
try to stand
fall down again
evidence
of the sin
staring you
in the face
flaming car
torn friends lace
screaming now
where did she go?
out again
times moving slow
Wakes up stiff
cant move the legs
no pain is felt
fluttering rage
where’s my friend
where is she doc?
sad looks tell
She’s with the rocks
tears fall down
why did they go?
now she’s dead
and buried low
try and get up
cant make it yet
find paralysis
down from the neck
life is changed
just one mistake
your friend wont see
more birthday cakes
Love the sorrow
Love the pain
Watch her die
AGAIN, Again, again

Ecstasy with so much pain
Love and Lust rush through again
Running softly, listening
Such things are not as they seem
Adrenaline in the veins
Pounding softly as it rains
Thumpa-Thumpa
Down it comes
Pour again Lust and Love
Sharpened blade, well oiled gleam
Such things are not as they seem
Comforting both sound and beat
Coincide with pounding feet
Thumpa-Thumpa
Down it comes
Pour again Lust and Love
Rushing forward swift and lean
Such things are not as they seem
Flowing blood red and smooth
Crusting on both blade and tooth
Thumpa-Thumpa
Down it comes
Pour again Lust and Love
Ancient passion darkened fiend
Things are not as they seem
Ending now and losing face
Closing down the ending race
Thumpa-Thumpa
Now its done
Pour again
Lust and Love

Ive taken it all for granted
that what we truly see

Is water that does not float
and leaves without the tree

This world of ours is shaken
And has burned to the ground

iT Has been destroyed
And thrown in a mound

And one dy ill wonder
If fish truly swim

And if forever
the darkness will be dim

For you see all over
The boils of dispair

And that very few people
actually give a care

We have seen all we're worth
through a penny's eye

And one day even the lion
Will heave a great sigh

That scours the earth
And rips it clean

And all of this world
Will all have seen

That some things last forever
And others not

But in the end it must
all die and rot

Through thick and thin
And drained down thought
In passive modes
Such things are sought

Digestive loans
And frivolous times
We are left
With only rinds

Superb misuse
Of ghastly things
I’ve thought its time
To pull the reins

This world has plummeted
Straight into gloom
The parishes
Now meet a doom

Religion based
And unified
Forcing all
To the side

Unwilling soldiers
Lost in fate
Dying in
An unbound taint

On and on
So far I go
Stacking evils
Row by row

But it wont change
These sad facts
This world it seems
Always lacks

What it needs in
Silent death
Drugs and fights
Wars and meth

Lonely shadows
In such hearts
Tearing our brains
Into several parts

So many ignore
These dead cells
So many are blind
To such hells

But it will consume
Their greed and lust
A “regal” sword
With a final thrust.

My brains intact
My spirit’s not
Save me please
Before I rot

My minds messed up
All rearranged
Help me I feel
so deranged

This barrier
Of worn-down fate
Makes me feel
So second rate

I’m shutting down
Cant take this dream
Its hung somewhere
In reality

These psycho folds
And tempered mind
Fall through here
As though a crime

Am I so bad?
So insecure?
I want to fail
This devil’s lure

I want some help
I want it now
No fears of what
It would endow

Break this mask
Free me please
This soul is made
Of oil and grease

I hate this form
This saucy me
I want out
Of this reality

Passion driven
Full of lust
Is this me?
Or only crust?

Driven mad
By unbound laws
Its time I guess
I stand on pause

And re-examine
This human race
I’ll investigate
And serve my case

If I win
This putrid thing
I know Ill only
Bring bloody rain

I want out
Of these war games.
Let grown ups face
Such trivial things

Strange it seems
How much we lose
From child to mother
We have to choose

Great loss is desperate
After us
And so it seems
That we must

Begore our heads
With victory
Its time to make
The bloody sea

I wonder about this raging darkness. What causes it? Why is it here? What is this emptiness and disgust at the world’s, my world’s, frivolity? This dream of a reality frightens me into a corner and rips out my still beating heart. My heart. A golden core of blood and sweat fought for by tormented visages in my mind, battling for my core and tearing my flag. Will this end? This senseless typhoon of fears, doubts, suspicions, angers, and anxieties? Why does it seem that whatever task I set out to accomplish falls like London Bridge into my unwilling lap? Such a daunting task, to rebuild my past into my future, replacing memories and setting them aside, to be viewed with undoubting scrutiny at a later date. It seems to me that such things only fill the half-mask I wear. Shielding my weaker side from true insanity and self-destruction. Were it easily removed I would release it, casting it into the face of a cornered society of omnipotent cash and waste.
I see their eyes. Hungry and urgent they seem. Staring at me, my friends, my hopes and dreams and tearing them to tatters. Not just me though, no these demons affect a larger term. The whole of the world is plagued with them. Damned to burn and die and see the wrath of a vengeful mind. Can my mind sustain such ferocity? I do not know. I only know my half-life of uncertainty and solitude and marvel at such neurotic features as pride and elegance. For who is to say that such things are more than a figment of the mind? A tool used to stabilize a tipping platform of lies and deceit. Many seek the point, the center if you will, where such evils and things come from. And they find it. But have any returned?
During times of unknown pain and fear only one king resides. A ruler of peaceful control only dreamt of by our hearts. And this ruler is our minds. Control exerted over our world in an iron grip. Clad in black and shining still it surges on, and crumbles under its own illusions. Death of a Sun and birth of a Star. This world turns, an inch at a time. Then it is over. That second of thought of divine gift leaves us again in that spiral of agony and torture. Until our thoughts, livid with anticipation and excitement, are crushed into oblivion by our own mistakes and ill-shapen will.

-The Black Dragon
September 12, 2006